Five Reasons why Magic Sucks

It’s Monday, and that means another fantasy top five! I’m a big fan of magic, sorcery, wyrd, whatever it’s called, if it’s mysterious and gives people paranormal abilities, I’m game! But, there are some reasons why I don’t think magic would be the greatest weapon in your arsenal, and certainly not the only weapon in your arsenal.

Now, this is talking about traditional magic users, you know, staffs and wands and robes and silly hats.

And that brings us to my first point!

no armorFor some reasons magic users are allergic to armor. Sure, they look pretty awesome with their glowing hands and eccentric clothes. Throw in some strange tattoos and some garbled speech, and magic users can be downright terrifying. But there’s just one little problem: their armor. Or lack thereof. When I used to play Dungeons and Dragons if you were a wizard you could wear pretty much cotton. This was horrible for your armor class, which means instead of protecting you against enemy attacks, enemies almost got an advantage when attacking you. Sure, you can do things like making your skin harder, but (again) back to garbled speech: it takes a while to cast!

Swords Kill! The sword is mightier than the wand, in a lot of instances. Picture that you’re walking through a dark city some night, minding your own Ps and Qs when suddenly a drunken warrior happens upon you and decides he wants all of those fancy pouches you’re wearing around your waist that scream money (or death, but whatever). Now, remember our reason magic sucks from above? That’s right, you might as well be naked because that gauze you’re wearing for a robe won’t do a thing against his sword. Or a mighty sneeze.

This guy. Everything about this man says he’s going to eff your shit up, and then feed you to his pet pig. You probably won’t even have time to cast a spell because you will be laughing at him so hard and probably proclaiming “Squeeee! That’s lil dwarfy is so cute!” That would be the wrong thing to do, since he’s probably not fond of being called cute. Or little. Or hearing someone squee. Just a thought.

Dwarf Warrior

One. Wrong. Word. Or ingredient or what not. Except, I doubt, it will do something cute like fizzle out, you will probably be dealing with disaster. Just imagine “Army of the Dead”

You’re old! Typically magic isn’t something you learn over night, or in a year, or in a couple years. Sometimes just learning the art can drain you of vitality! That means you could be twenty and come out looking ninety because (see backfiring spell) or just because magic wanted to play a bad joke on you. You are always seeking more power because other mages are dicks and they just want to be the best ever! Sure, sometimes you can bewitch yourself to look younger, but that won’t really matter when your back is so jacked up from “aging” that you can’t do anything fun!

Does this change how I feel about magic? Not really. If given the chance, I’d love to learn magic! But, I’m aware that there’s a lot of pitfalls to being a wizard!

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6 comments on “Five Reasons why Magic Sucks
  1. Metal armor grounds the magical energy preventing the energy from going where it’s supposed to.

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